Diet

Calories: A Mystery Unclothed

Barbara Younger

I knew it!  I knew it!  I knew it!

I’ve never believed in calories.  How could something so small and compact as a square of fudge cause you to gain weight?  It makes complete sense to me that calories don’t come from food at all.  And we all know that bad stuff lurks in closets:  moths, the boogeyman, silverfish, dust bunnies.

How do we rid our closets of these evil stitching calories?  How do we protect our clothes from the terrors of shrinking?

Cliff and I haven’t had an easy time eliminating moths from the closets of this old house.  (We don’t like to use insecticides, and moth balls are only about 85% effective.)

At least you can see a moth. I have never SEEN a calorie.  Have you?  And dust bunnies, once captured, don’t put up much of a fight.  These tiny calorie creatures have got to be feisty.  They even attacked my sainted wedding dress.

Can I coax them out with trickery?   “Calories, follow me.  I’ll take you to the mall and let you stitch some really fancy clothes.  Better yet, we’ll fly to NYC, and I’ll release you in the store where they film Say Yes to the Dress.”

Can I blast them to smithereens by playing “It’s a Small World” twenty-four seven?

Can I choke them out with bad smells?  The kitty litter pan or burned popcorn?

Can I bore them to pieces by reading aloud my master’s thesis (although my mom, the only person to read it besides the professor, thought it was wonderful).

Find a natural predator?  An anteater, maybe, or those bright green lizards that skitter across my porch?

I’ll come up with a plan, and then my clothes will stop shrinking.  Cowabunga!

Of course, I’ll be glad to share it on Friend for the Ride!

Graphic:  Thanks to That’s What That Means for announcing this important discovery.  Science continues to amaze me as we uncover the complexities of the universe.

Published by Barbara Younger

Check out my blog about menopause and all things related to women and life: Friend for the Ride: Encouraging Words for the Menopause and Midlife Roller Coaster

14 thoughts on “Calories: A Mystery Unclothed”

  3. Blame it on your washing machine. I do, I know the new one shrinks clothes. I think these Calories are related to the little people that hide things in my house. I’m hoping one day they all hitch a ride to their family reunion in Disney World and decide to retire to Florida.

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  4. It’s really very simple. You use moth balls to kill moths, right? Instead, you sprinkle celery and carrot sticks on the closet floor to kill calories. If you want an even more effective (better than 85%) caloriecide then cut up some apples and oranges and mix the pieces with the veggie sticks. Usually it takes only about an hour to kill them. While waiting, take a walk about town at a brisk pace. There’s only one problem: sometimes some of the calories escape from the closet when you open it to treat it. They move to another closet to continue sewing. The key to total elimination is to treat one of your 6 or 7 closets each day of the week. Never fails to work.

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  5. So THAT’S it! I was blaming the full moon, new moon, quarter moon, sun spots, humidity, high tide, and pollen. At least now I know I just have to fumigate against those little Calorie Critters.

    Let me know if the littler box works cause I’ve got 3 that I could move into my closet if I had to. Once the Calorie Critters leave, what let’s all those clothes out again? Or do you think they’ll do it before they leave? I doubt it… they are ruthless and evil.

    Thanks for this valuable bit of info, Barbara!

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    1. I doubt if they will stitch them back for us, but at least the evil stitchery won’t attack any new clothes we buy.

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    1. Yes, I can get an entire pizza but a dainty chocolate? No way.

      Thanks about the clever followers, which includes you!

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