Tag Archives: That’s What That Means

Calories: A Mystery Unclothed

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I knew it!  I knew it!  I knew it!

I’ve never believed in calories.  How could something so small and compact as a square of fudge cause you to gain weight?  It makes complete sense to me that calories don’t come from food at all.  And we all know that bad stuff lurks in closets:  moths, the boogeyman, silverfish, dust bunnies.

How do we rid our closets of these evil stitching calories?  How do we protect our clothes from the terrors of shrinking?

Cliff and I haven’t had an easy time eliminating moths from the closets of this old house.  (We don’t like to use insecticides, and moth balls are only about 85% effective.)

At least you can see a moth. I have never SEEN a calorie.  Have you?  And dust bunnies, once captured, don’t put up much of a fight.  These tiny calorie creatures have got to be feisty.  They even attacked my sainted wedding dress.

Can I coax them out with trickery?   “Calories, follow me.  I’ll take you to the mall and let you stitch some really fancy clothes.  Better yet, we’ll fly to NYC, and I’ll release you in the store where they film Say Yes to the Dress.

Can I blast them to smithereens by playing “It’s a Small World” twenty-four seven?

Can I choke them out with bad smells?  The kitty litter pan or burned popcorn?

Can I bore them to pieces by reading aloud my master’s thesis (although my mom, the only person to read it besides the professor, thought it was wonderful).

Find a natural predator?  An anteater, maybe, or those bright green lizards that skitter across my porch?

I’ll come up with a plan, and then my clothes will stop shrinking.  Cowabunga!

Of course, I’ll be glad to share it on Friend for the Ride!

Graphic:  Thanks to That’s What That Means for announcing this important discovery.  Science continues to amaze me as we uncover the complexities of the universe.