A guest post by Herman the Hormone. In the spirit of fairness, I agreed to give him some time on Friend for the Ride.
Hello. My name is Herman. I am a hormone. Before we begin, you might note that even though my name, Herman, has the word MAN in it, it begins with the word HER.
I don’t really hate you ladies. But it’s my job to put you on edge. See the long feelers on top of my head? That’s what I use to jiggle you around, make you jumpy, make you grumpy. But ladies, IT’S MY JOB.
Note the ridges on my back. See how they go up and down like a roller coaster? They have a special potion in them that I let loose. That’s what puts you gals in a good mood one minute, a bad one the next. Once again, all in the line of duty.
And look at my big beautiful eyes. I use them to keep a watch on your innards. If things are going too smoothly for you, I signal my cronies, who signal other cronies, and we throw a few more curves your way. Some of these include hot flashes, period weirdness, insomnia, food cravings, and dry skin.
Gals, I’m sorry I have to do all this, I admit, but it’s all outlined for me in The Manuel of Hormonal Procedures for Creating Havoc in the Lives of Women. (Oh and by the way some of us ARE WOMEN. We all follow the same guidelines.)
But this is the main reason I asked to write a guest post: I’ve HAD it with Barbara (and other ladies) making snide comments about me.
I’ve never spent a day watching pelicans dive into the ocean.
I’ve never read a page turner of a novel.
I’ve never tasted a lemon meringue pie.
I just work at being the best hormone I can be.
Thank you for hearing me out.
Photo: Amazingly, Herman is a twin to this grasshopper, found on the cover of Big Book of Bugs by DK Publishing.