The Deepest Acceptance: A Book Giveaway

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When the publishers of Jeff Foster’s book, The Deepest Acceptance, offered to send me a copy, I said yes right away. I love self-help, especially  books that deal with personal growth and empowerment. When you look at Jeff’s picture, you wonder how someone that young can spread such sensible yet almost mystical wisdom, especially when it comes to relationships and conflict. After all, I like to think that only menopausal women have that sort of knowledge. But not true, Thanks, Jeff!

Here are two passages I underlined from the book:

But really, it’s the most beautiful thing in the world to realize that nobody can be who you need or want them to be for you. Nobody has the power to complete you. Nobody can do that for you. Nobody can be that for you.

And

When you really listen to someone, when you really listen to their perspective, their viewpoint, their expression of their experience of life, their story about what they have noticed in their world, you can always find some truth in what they are saying, however challenging, confronting, strange, extreme, and absurd their views seem at first.

Here’s a description The Deepest Acceptance from the publisher:

How can we bring an effortless yes to this moment? How do we stop running from ‘the mess of life’—our predicaments, our frustrations, and even our search for liberation—and start flowing with all of it?

Existence is rich with mystery and wonder, and sometimes, without warning, light can shine through the cracks in the separate self. For a few brief moments, there is the cosmic suggestion that life is somehow infinitely more than what it appears to be. The most ordinary of things can easily turn extraordinary, making us wonder if, perhaps, the extraordinary is hidden in the ordinary always, just waiting to be discovered.

The Deepest Acceptance: Radical Awakening in Ordinary Life, originally published in hardcover in 2012, explores the possibility of discovering that wholeness right now—not next year, not tomorrow, not “one day,” but right now, in the midst of present experience, in the midst of whatever is happening, even if what’s happening is discomfort and pain and a longing to be free.

Jeff Foster invites readers to consider who they really are: beyond who they think they are, beyond who they’ve been taught they are, beyond their story about who they are, beyond all their concepts and images of identity.

And it’s about discovering the ways in which, in forgetting who we are, in our attempts to build and hold up what basically amounts to a false, thought-constructed image of ourselves, we go to war with present experience, with each other, with the planet.

With a warm, thoughtful, and humorous candor, The Deepest Acceptance invites us to discover the ocean of who we are: an awareness that has already allowed every wave of emotion and experience to arrive.

How can we bring an effortless “yes” to this moment? How do we stop running from ‘the mess of life’—our predicaments, our frustrations, and even our search for liberation—and start flowing with all of it? The answers to these question are at the heart of Jeff’s book.

Existence is rich with mystery and wonder, and sometimes, without warning, light can shine through the cracks in the separate self. For a few brief moments, there is the cosmic suggestion that life is somehow infinitely more than what it appears to be. The most ordinary of things can easily turn extraordinary, making us wonder if, perhaps, the extraordinary is hidden in the ordinary always, just waiting to be discovered.

The Deepest Acceptance explores the possibility of discovering that wholeness right now—not next year, not tomorrow, not “one day,” but right now, in the midst of present experience, in the midst of whatever is happening, even if what’s happening is discomfort and pain and a longing to be free.

Giveaway: The publishers of The Deepest Acceptance: Radical Awakening in Ordinary Life are offing a copy to one lucky Friend for the Ride winner. For a chance to win, please enter a comment by July 1. Thanks!

Jeff Foster shares from his own awakened experience a way out of seeking fulfillment in the future and into acceptance of the present moment. The author of The Way of Rest, he studied astrophysics at Cambridge University and now lives near Brighton, England. For more information, visit lifewithoutacentre.com.

The Bidet! Yes or No?

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Cliff and I just returned from a bucket list trip to Italy. More reports (and some great ladies room doors) to come, but today I want to talk about the bidet.

I first saw a bidet when I went to France in high school. My friends and I were intrigued with this apparatus, but I doubt if any of us used it.

Forty some years later, I’m encountering bidets again. Do I use a bidet when I find one? Hmm. That question makes me feel a bit shy…

Bathroom

I can tell you that bidets are great for doing laundry. The stopper in our sink in Cinque Terre didn’t work right. The bidet!

But then I thought, Cliff is going to come in here and see me washing clothes in the bidet and freak. So I washed them fast! Worked like a charm.

I also experimented with using the bidet to shave my legs. Great for the bottom of the leg. Involves a lot of splashing when you get to the top.

I even ran into a bidet in a few restaurant bathrooms, and I found these handheld bidets next to toilets in some other restaurants.

The showers in Italy often include a handheld bidet sprayer. We had one in Rome, but the shower was so complicated, with water jets firing every which way, that I can’t imagine adding this to the mix. I experienced a claustrophobia attack in this shower brought on by its small size and the steam. I had to open the doors mid-shower and stick my head out to get some air.

Cliff announced in Rome, “That bidet looks so clean, I could eat dinner off of it.” So now I don’t mind if he reads this and learns I washed his clothes in one (which was equally shiny).

We’re at the end of the post, and I still haven’t been gutsy enough to tell you if I used the bidets in these photos.

I will tell you that the linen towels, hung over many bidets, while elegant, sure lack absorbency.

And if I were designing a bathroom, I just might put in a bidet.

What about you? Opinions on the bidet? Do be brave and tell!


Here’s a convincing and fun read on why Americans should use bidets.

Here’s a Wiki guide on how to use a bidet.

And here’s a Wikipedia article that includes the history of the bidet and plenty of other tidbits.

Grandma Update: The Cousins Meet

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In March, we were all invited to the home of Laura’s in-laws.  At the family gathering, my grandson Mazen would meet my granddaughter Emerson for the first time. Talk about a grandma who was pumped!

“All I want for Mother’s Day,” I told daughter Kath earlier that week, “is for you to take a really good photo of Emmie sitting in Maze’s lap.”

“Okay,” she said.

“And I want a print. Something I can put on the refrigerator.”

“Sure.”

Beyond the endearing photo we would capture, I pictured another scene over and over. I would hold Emmie while Mazen made silly faces and rattled colorful toys. Surely Emmie would let out her glorious laugh as she watched the shenanigans of her cousin.

When we got there, Maze took one look at Emmie. A quick look. “Maze,” I said. “Come meet your cousin.”

“She drools,” he announced. “I don’t like drool.”

And he never got close. Not once.

The next day he said to me, “It’s not that I don’t love Emerson, Grammie. I just don’t like drool.”

And there you have it.

From the mouths of babes…comes drool.

From the mouths of four-year-olds, comes some very deep thinking. You can love the person, but you don’t have to love the behavior.

Photo: Daughter Laura holds her baby, Emerson, who looks quite ready to play with her cousin. And yes, that dark pink spot on her shirt is the dreaded drool. Daughter Kath has her arms around her son Mazen.

How Did This Happen: Poems for the Not So Young Anymore: A Giveaway!

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Teachers and former People magazine reporters Mary Esselman and Elizabeth Veléz have been best friends since Mary became Elizabeth’s teaching assistant at Georgetown University 30 years ago (wow, 30 years–how did that happen?).

Pop culture junkies and poetry lovers, they’ve relied on both to help them through life’s challenges, from romantic heartbreak to work/life angst to long-term love. Their fourth book of pop-literary therapy, How Did This Happen? Poems for the Not So Young Anymore, helps readers cope with the indignities of growing “older” (let’s say anything over 25) as women, in a culture that worships Instagrammed youth and beauty. Here they discuss why they wrote the book and how women can rise proud and strong against the stigma of “aging while female.”

Elizabeth: So Mary, the book really started when you’d just hit your 40s and felt kind of sideswiped by unexpected physical changes– like feeling really anxious and not sleeping well.

Mary: Right, I was 46, and I’d just gotten married at 39, moved to a small town for my husband’s job, and had a baby (with serious health issues) at 41. So I’d finally adjusted to all of that when I started waking up at night with my heart pounding, feeling hot, then cold, and thinking, what the hell? And my periods started getting weird – one month nothing, then a gusher out of nowhere. Thank god you’re 17 years ahead of me, and I’d been with you when you’d had hot flashes and massive periods

Elizabeth: Oh yeah, thank god I’m so old and was such a hot flashing massive bleeder.

Mary: Ha, well, you know, I was scared. I was like, is this normal or am I dying or what? I remember calling the doctor and having the advice nurse call me back kind of chuckling like, “Oh, honey, that’s just perimenopause, don’t worry about it, this can go on for up to ten years, and you just learn to ride it out.”

Elizabeth:  See, it was different for me. By the time we started working on the book it’d been eight years since menopause. I remember it more as incidental annoyances, less a huge thing in my life. I remember teaching an Introduction to Women’s Studies, a class of 15 boys and 15 girls. I was wearing a skirt and looked down, and there was blood streaming down my legs. For me I was past that “oh dear, I have a spot on the back of my dress, I’m so embarrassed” kind of thing from adolescence into our 20s and 30s. It was very uncomfortable, but at the same time it seemed funny to be in a Women’s Studies class dripping with blood. The women in class noticed immediately, and as soon as class was over, they came up and surrounded me, and I just felt their love and support. So it’s different when you’re not alone.

Mary: Right, and for me just knowing that other women have the same things happening to them, just having their company, funny stories, honest understanding – it helps so much, whether it’s you or Frances McDormand, or a great poem or Amy Schumer’s “Last F*ckable Day” skit.

Elizabeth: Exactly, and our book tries to give women that kind of company – the funny, sad, inspiring and true. The first sections deal with what you first experienced, the physical surprises, but for me the issue has always been about mortality. The older you get – and I’m 71 and a half now – the more you know you have a terminal disease, and it’s called “being old.” So for me part of this book is looking for the solace we find in poetry–the way poetry comforts and teaches us about simply being mortal, being human.

Mary: Right. As we say in the Introduction, we’re tackling both the cosmetic AND the cosmic issues of growing up and older. I was freaked out by my chin hairs and jowls and changing body in my late 40s, so there was that stuff – how do you still feel like “you,” when you don’t look like the old “you”?  If you care too much about that, are you self-absorbed, shallow, as in Amy Poehler’s “Plastic Surgery Haiku”? Or can we acknowledge that women have it tough in our culture –that we actually suffer for aging both professionally and personally?

Elizabeth: Yes, look, aging in this culture is incredibly difficult. We quote Nora Ephron from her classic book on feeling bad about her neck as she grew older. But the fact is, I don’t hate my neck. And I want to figure out as women how NOT to hate these parts of our bodies that are changing. It’s so important to understand that aging, looking different, this transformation does not have to be a negative, terrible experience. I look at pictures of myself in my 20s and 30s, and it sort of breaks my heart. The experience most of us had in our 20s and 30s of hating our hair or hating our bodies, and if you look back, we were beautiful and we never knew it or believed it. I like the way I look now way more than in my 50s, and probably it’s because back then I was really fussing about the signs of aging. Now I think that if you’re good inside, you’ll look good.  Maybe it seems silly and reductive, but I do believe it.

Mary: Hey, it works for me. I’d rather try to do good in the world than worry about the harsh sunlight showing off my beard and moustache.

Elizabeth: You know, Deborah Landau’s Solitaire” perfectly gets at the range of physical and existential issues of growing older as a woman. You go from thinking there’s no “girl” left in you, so you should retinol, exfoliate, whatever, to thinking OMG, menopause, cancer, the ABCs of my fear. You go from this first knowledge of “aging” to what that ultimately means: “O tumble-rush of days we cannot catch.“

Mary: Yes, these poets express things we can’t quite say in our own words, but when we hear them, we just know – YES. That’s IT, that’s how I feel.

Elizabeth: Right, we are saying loudly and clearly with this book that when you wake with your heart pounding, when you know for a fact that your time is short – poetry can help.

Mary: Even Beyoncé, young as she is, used poetry to help her craft Lemonade, which is in many ways about growing older as a woman, coming to terms with who you are in relationships, who you are as a mother, and as your mother’s daughter. And we found inspiration in that same poet, Warsan Shire. That’s what’s so powerful about poetry – we recognize ourselves in it, whether we’re superstars or perimenopausal insomniacs.

Elizabeth: Of course we’ll all experience aging differently, depending on where we are in our lives. We don’t want to make our own experiences universal. Across race and class and circumstance we’ll experience all of these feelings differently.

Mary: Yes, and I know a lot of women who have become their best selves as they’ve aged. Out of bad marriages, into new jobs, new civic advocacy, proudly taking care of themselves and speaking truth to power. Reminds me of that fabulous Lucille Clifton poem in our Defiance section, “there is a girl inside,” and also reminds me of Marge Piercy’s “to be of use.”

Elizabeth: For Clifton, that poem is about resisting the idea that we become “old” when the culture says we are. NO, she says, and it’s important to her – the girl in her is alive and well; she has broken “through gray hairs/ into blossom,” and the world should be “wild/ with the damn wonder of it.” For me the most important stages in the book are Grit and Grace, where we figure out how to live with the knowledge we have, as full grown women.

Mary: Yes, I love those sections because ultimately that’s where we are now, both of us, despite our age difference. We are willing to grit it out, our fears and uncertainties, because we now also recognize and love our strength, our courage, our joy in little daily things. There’s this newish sense of “anything is possible,” despite or maybe because of time. We know things now; we’re experienced, we can shrug off what’s stupid and take on what matters. Cathi Hanauer calls it being “chronologically gifted, which is a funny way of not saying “older and wiser.”

Elizabeth: Exactly, like the Frank O’Hara poem, “Today,” the joy we get just from quotidian daily things.I have to work at that joy sometimes and maybe all of us do. And that’s why we offer some poems that point that out the pleasure we get from waking up to our senses.

Mary: Right, all of those poems about food in Grit! Biscuits and lemon meringue pie and pastries. Kind of funny.

Elizabeth: Yes, and in Grace the poems about warmth and light, wind and water – the grace of being in the world, lucky to be right here right now, as Ada Limón says.

Mary: Absolutely. And Grace Paley actually ends the Grace section, ends the entire book, with the same kind of lovely but strong acceptance, in her poem “Here.” It’s not passive – I see it as activist, revolutionary acceptance of herself as a woman (like Alicia Keys, like Lena Dunham, only ever so slightly “older”) who asks “how did this happen?” and who can answer truthfully, “well that’s exactly who I wanted to be.”

Elizabeth: May we all get there on our good days.

Mary: Amen, sister.

Giveaway: Friend for the Ride is giving away a copy of How Did This Happen? Poems for the Not So Young Anymore to two lucky winners. For chance to win, please enter a comment by June 15. Thanks!

How did this happen

And thank you, Mary and Elizabeth, of your wonderful collection of poems and for your graceful and insightful take on aging!